Wednesday, September 14, 2011
"Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth person always lies." -John Q. Tullius
Ever since I was a little girl, I have craved the sweet, melt-in-your-mouth (or hand) goodness of chocolate. I haven't been too picky about it either! I have committed unthinkable deeds just to get a taste of anything, everything that has even a morsel of the velvety, rich flavor those dark little beans produce. Here I bare it all...my chocolate secrets.
1) When I was just four years old, I snuggled in my bed all cozy ready for sleep when I heard it! I heard the crumpling of a wrapper. I knew right away that was the sound of chocolate! I sprung from the bed and practically ran into the living room to catch my mom sneaking a Reese's. That was it! As far back as that memory goes, I can remember sneaking chocolate.
2) Every once in a while we watch television and see a kid who has chocolate smeared around their mouth, and when asked, stares right into their parent's eyes and lies, "I didn't eat a cookie. I promise." They say it with the most innocent and yet surprised look on their face.
That was me at five. My mom had baked chocolate chip cookies but in a brownie pan so they were nice and thick. Wow is all I can say! Yep, I climbed on top of the counter and ate some while she was in the shower. There was no need for the chocolate smears on my face - though they were clearly there - because I was caught still on top of the counter with the chunk of cookie-brownie still in my hand. Oops.
3) First kisses are usually those treasured and remembered either with warmth or embarrassment of the awkwardness. Mine? I remember it for the Swiss Cake Roll. Yes, you heard that right. I was in the first grade and had a crush on this boy...even better, he knew the way to my heart...chocolate. He had his friend (a tomboyish girl) bribe me with a Swiss Cake Roll for a kiss. It was a win/win for me. I got to kiss the boy I liked and got rewarded for it with chocolate. Unfortunately, I saw him later kissing my best friend. It was okay though because she didn't get a Swiss Cake Roll out of it!
4) On nights I was allowed a treat after dinner, I was given 2 Oreo's. Who can eat only two?!! What did I do, I started eating a handful before my parents came home for dinner. Then, after dinner, I could turn the offer down because I didn't crave them anymore. On the plus side, it made me look like the perfect, in control child. Problem solved!
5) When I was fifteen and had my license, instead of going to the mall, I went to the local pharmacy. Why? They always had the best sales on their end of season chocolates. I would buy the Easter Reese's eggs by the boxes. I stashed them in my closet on the top shelf behind boxes of shoes.
Oh, don't worry...I shared them with my mom, too. I couldn't hide this from her. After all she was my role model, right? She would come into my room for "talks" (as she explained to my step-father) but we really used that time to sit on the floor with a handful of Reese's in our laps, giggling away at our mischief.
6) One evening I had a friend over for a sleepover. My mom had spent hours on a tall, TALL chocolate, fudge cake. Then she and my step-dad went out for the night. My friend and I took one look at that cake and dug in! In a few short hours, we all about finished that cake. We did, however, leave one thin sliver. Why? My mom asked that we save her a piece...she just didn't say how big a piece.
7) When I was pregnant, I started craving the chocolate chip cookie-brownie thing my mom use to make. Problem was, none of the batches ever made it to the oven. My husband worried that the raw eggs would be unsafe for our unborn son, but I couldn't help it. To hide it from him, I would eat it after he fell asleep. I would carry the bowl into the bedroom, plop it in front of my growing belly, and spoon away while watching 1950s reruns of the Mickey Mouse Club. The Mouseketeers: Annette, Tommy, Doreen, Bobby, and that cute little Karen (among others) kept my secret. Thank you Mouseketeers!
8) I home school my children, so I keep a reward system in place to...well, reward them, of course! Some of the rewards include treats. What treat is better than chocolate? My dilemma is NOT eating all the chocolate. How can I resist? There are bags of all sorts of chocolate candies stashed within my desk drawers. Ugh! The torture of it all!
I admit it! I confess! While the kids are working on worksheets or projects that do not require my guidance, I sit behind my desk, slowly opening my drawers as not to arouse any suspicion, and gently unwrap the candy. The moment it crinkles, I cough or stir loudly in my chair. It's okay. I console myself. They didn't hear it. You are in the clear. Though, I'm sure they do wonder why at times, I duck beneath my desk only to rise moments later with a big smile and glassy eyes filled with joy. I did it! I congratulate myself.
9) This past Thanksgiving, I visited my dad out in Texas. I had a cold and felt miserable. Luckily for me, he made chocolate chip cookies! Unluckily for me, I couldn't taste them. In fact, I couldn't taste anything. Luckily for me, he made so many cookies, eating 20 or so in hopes that I would eventually taste them, went unnoticed. If they had, I would have blamed it on my husband.
10) I keep stashes of chocolate throughout the house, but if you know anything about me at all, you would know I have a tendency to forget where I put things. In other words, I forget where I put my stashes on many occasions and that I even have a stash at all.
My most recent blunder was my Easter stash of Reese's (here we go again). I hid them in a hurry so my children wouldn't ask for them. I hate telling them no, but I really hate saying yes and sharing....here's my mom's influence again...so I hid them. Weeks and months went by and eventually I completely forgot about the Reese's eggs.
One afternoon, I was looking for something in the microwave cabinet. I had broken my microwave melting crayons (save that for a later story), so I had begun to keep napkins, wheat, my wheat grinder, and other items in the cabinet. As I was getting the item, I knocked something over and it had fallen behind the bag of wheat. I reached farther in to retrieve it. In my quest for the fallen object, I saw a box of low calorie drink mix hidden behind the wheat. Ooh I didn't know I had these! I started to pull the box out when I noticed the tip of a yellow wrapper poking through the open top. I recognized it right away! It was my beloved stash of Reese's! I had to do it! I had to stay hidden and eat them before the kids saw me. If they did, I would lose my stash forever.
Next thing I know, my husband walks into the kitchen and stops just behind me. Half-eaten Reese's egg in hand, I slowly turn my head so I can face him. He busted out laughing as he observed me bent over, head still inside the cabinet, wrappers all around me, and yes, probably a smear or two of chocolate on my face. I've been caught! I've been caught eating Reese's with my head still stuck deep within the microwave cabinet! Has it really come to this? Yes. Yes, I'm afraid it had, and it only gets worse.
11) Since the holiday is coming up, I should go ahead and mention this one. No sense in holding back now. Halloween is the best and worst time for me. All that chocolate!!! Every year, just like my mother did with me (yes, mom I know you did!) I eagerly wait for my children to go to bed after a night's worth of trick-or-treating so I can raid their candy bags. Guilty as charged! My choice of poison? You guessed it! Reese's. Oh, I still enjoy Twix, KitKat, and 3 Musketeers, but Reese's is my favorite.
One year in particular stays with me. They had hit the motherload of Reese's. After they were sound asleep, I went to work. Before I knew it, I had eaten at least half a dozen packages of those chocolate covered peanutty centers. I was floored! I thought about giving them back to the kids, but a thought crossed my mind that I might dig them back out again and find myself within this precarious position. I did what I thought would be best. I threw them away.
Remember that episode on Sex & the City (Season 4 Episode 52) where Miranda can't stop eating chocolate cake and ends up digging it out of the trash? Uh yeah, that was me. The thought of those perfectly wrapped Reese's sitting in the trash, going to waste, saddened me. They needed saving and I was going to be the hero. I can't believe I am admitting this, but I dug them back out with all intentions of eating them.
Then it hit me. What on Earth am I doing?! I am acting pathetic! I am digging chocolate out of the trashcan. I couldn't just throw them back into the trash. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I dug them back out again. I had to do something drastic. Bang! Bang! Bang! My poor husband. He must think I'm crazy. He came running from the bedroom, probably thinking the worst. Instead, he was faced with me, hammering away at my crux. He dodged as pieces of chocolate and peanut butter flew in the air. "What are you doing?" he confusingly asked. "Killing it so I won't eat it from the trash," I breathlessly answered. I put the hammer down, but I wasn't done. Just in case, just to make sure I had one more trick up my sleeve. I scooped the handful of mess and ran it under water before tossing it back in the trash. There! I had defeated it...well, until the next year.
"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already." -Dave Barry